| This entry is for Tyler. Although hes already read all this cause its in my aim subprofile. Im not pasteing it all, But this is what he responded to it:
"Wow. Like blownaway falling out of my chair i dont know what to say wow. I dont know what to say.."
I wish he knew everything.
Cause thats nothing compared to the rest.
Tyty-
Im realllly glad your over her.  Thats uberness. You deserve somebody who cares about you and loves you with all there heart and not break yours. I really do care about you alot. And when I start cheerleading your coming to watch me. Cause then Im able to jump around in a skirt and not get in trouble. Tehe. Well, yeah.. I really do care about you alot and I dont know how much that means to you for me to say that, but I really do. And I know how I always complain to you about how I can never get a boyfriend and im always single and blahblehblah but I have a good reason for it.. I really do love you. And its just really weird. Cause everybody I fall for I cant ever have, or they love somebody else. And it sucks.. Alot. But i guess thats life, and theres nothing you can do about it. So just tell me to shut up when I start complaining to much. And dont ever think that nobody cares about you, cause I do. I even took off that necklace my ex gave me. And I havent done that. In two years... And it felt so weird but it felt alot better knowing that Im getting over him. And now I can stay in port and stalk you ... Goodie goodie gumdrop.
I really do love you. And im not just saying that. Im being really honest. Im not the kind of girl that goes around saying I love somebody without really meaning it. Ive only said I love you to two people. I dont know what it is about you thats made me fall for you like this, but I cant get over you, and I dont think I want to anymore, cause just talking to you, even if its for 5 minutes, and seeing you at the highskool when I had to go made me really happy, and I tryed not to show it but I couldnt help it. And im too chickenshit to talk to you, cause I dont want to mess up and say something gay, cause knowing me, id do that. But if you ever need somebody to just complain to, or anything, you know Im here. And i think you know that.. But I realized something today... When I first started noticing I love you, it actually felt right. And I didnt feel all mad about it or all upset that I fell for somebody I know I cant have. Cause somehow in someway, you just make me so happy, and its really strange, cause since my ex, every guy Ive been with or was even just flirting with it felt so wrong and I felt so screwed up for it.. But I have no problems saying I love you, Or telling you your 'uberly sexy' cause you are.. But thats besides the point. I dont know.. But Im not going to stop loving you anytime soon. I dont say I love somebody then run off and say I love somebody else. I cant do that.. Im really emotional, and I dont think guys like that about me, but I cant help it. I feel like such a loser saying this, Cause the last time I ever said anything like what I just said was to my ex, and I guess it didnt mean anything to him.. But your really everything to me. Ive only talked to you in person once, and Ive seen you maybe 25 times. But I love you. I really do.. And I dont know how to make it so you actually believe me, or what I have to do for you to really understand that I do and that Im not like any other girl thats ever told you that, but I really do mean it. Something about you just gives me a reason to smile, and a reason to feel happy in the mornings when I wake up and not want to just roll over and die. I used to be so sad and depressed and lonley since my ex broke up with me, and I didnt want anything to do with anybody anymore. I got at least 20 cards & notes from people I didnt even know telling me how sorry they were and everything. And I gave him this little "Love is" thing from a newspaper one day in school, and he actually looked like he really cared for a minute. It said love is sometimes having to cry. and that really is true. I dont know. After him I didnt think I could even say the word love anymore. I didnt even think a word like that would even exsist. I didnt even think I could say that word again. But I did, with you. And it didnt feel wrong at all. It actually felt like it fit right. You probably dont see this, but your the reason Im over him, and the reason I finally took off his necklace.. Now I dont have to feel weighed down my him and like its a chore to love him. Cause it wasnt, as much as it felt like it was. With you, Im just more open then Ive been with a lot of people latley. I love everytime we talk and have our little conversations online. Sometimes I like it so much I even dont know what to say and I start acting majorly corny. I know if I wanted, I could get a boyfriend, but I dont want one. Its not right for me to go out with somebody when Im wishing it was you holding my hand or right next to me. I always whine about how no guys like me or anything, but when I find out somebody does I run away from it cause I realized that I really do have alot of feelings for you. You might not notice it now, But I really do. And I can guarentee you It will stay this way, for a very long time. You just dont seem like most other guys. Other guys just dont care at all. Even if its about somebody they have no feelings for that way like you with me, but you dont put me down because of it and say leave me alone i dont like you or something. Which is really different from most guys Ive liked.. Im at a loss for words right now and I dont even know exactly whats right to say, cause I dont want this all to sound dumb and not worth reading, even though it most likely is. But Id do anything for you if you asked me too.. Id lick the bottom of your shoes. Tehe. And thats nothing compared to other things. Id do anything just to be able to have you hold me and actually know that Im not just another loser who has a huge crush on somebody they know they cant have. But if thats all i can get, its better than nothing, and thats all I want if thats all I can have. i know this is going to sound really gay, but I wish I was Kelly. Id be so happy to know that you love me, and that im wanted and needed. And even if you say you are over her, I still wish I was her, cause then I would be able to have you, and Id be that much more happier. I can be really upset, and on the verge of crying.. And I think of you and I suddenly feel alright again. Ive even had dreams about you. And I didnt even start dreaming about my ex till a long time after we were together, and they were all bad dreams. And I rarely dream about people I know.. But I do with you, and there all for the most part good. Oh and I love your eyes. Just so you know that. The past 7 months Ive known you, Im sure Ive said your name at least 94863998 times. Im positive Ive said it that much. Your name is in every other sentence. Its always on my hand.. And on my papers for school. And its always in my mind. When I try not to think of you, I just end up doing it more. I dont want to seem obsessed.. Maybe I am, but at least I admit it. But I love you. And there is a difference in obsession and love. Theres a big difference. Everybody always tells me Im just obsessed with people i cant have and the last part might be true, But Im not fully obsessed with you. I just love you. And its hard not to think about the person you love all the time, or say there name in the most random moments, or have dreams about them and write "I *heart* Ty" on all your papers. Maybe I am obsessed, but at least I know I do love you. I remember all this summer, I thought I was over you, till you IMed me out of nowhere drunk and started talking about a stephen king book you were readng and how you liked the 'words' i said and that you wanted to makeout. I thought that was really cute, and I knew I wasnt over you and I litterally said fucker cause I was so pissed that I wasnt. And now Im glad you IMed me that night at 3am.. .. I went screaming around the house about how much I was so happy. I was like OMG TYLERS TALKING TO ME! TYLERS TALKING TO ME! And I try to hide it with you, about how much I like you.. But i dont think its working anymore. I cant hide it from you, cause I think I want you to see it and know that I do.. You even have your own section on my buddylist and a thing that pops up when you sign on. No.. Im not obsessed. I love you. And I cant even find the right words to say right now. Its like Im running out of words, But not in my mind. Im so confused right now.. Buts it not bad confusion. Its good. Im confused wether its worth it, and I know it is. Even if it wasnt, it wouldnt change anything. Idk. I just want to hang out with you, and talk to you, and hear your voice outloud. Sometimes, when Im trying to go to sleep, I think you feel the same way, and Im able to sleep that night. Or if I talk to you before I go to sleep.. Some nights I stay up thinking maybe youll come on. And some nights I sit stareing that the ceiling wondering if you are too. And some nights it feels like you actually are..
...Im not trying to freak you out, or make you think Im weird. yeah I might over-do my makeup, and yeah I might like to wear skirts to much and tend to wear black alot, and I know your friends dont care for that. And I know it does matter to you how your friends feel. Every guy does. But your just not the same. You dont care if im wearing fishnet, or if my eyes look dead. (At least i think you dont..) You actually see more of how I really am then most people do. Im not all dark and morbid and depressed all the time. Im just like everybody else, and I have feelings like everybody else does, and everybody just shoves me away cause Im weird or something, but Im really not. I overuse the word like, I love the color purple and I love hot pink thongs, Makeups one of my top 5 best friends, and I have a major ghetto ass. lol. For the past year Ive just been so sad about everything, and everything made me upset and I went through the "I want to die" Stage. But I got over it. And your the reason why. I look at you, and I smile so much I think my mouths going to be permanetly stuck that way. I ditch hanging out with people, after complaining that nobody wants to hang out with me, just so I can talk to you online for a little while. I know this seems pathetic.. And I know you probably really dont care about anything Im going to say next. Im sure your fed up reading this by now... But if it wasnt for you, I would have probably already ended up in the hospital for something really stupid. Loveing my ex drove me crazy and I didnt want to at all and I wished it would just go away. Talking to you made everything I thought about him just fade away, and hes now in the past and Im really happy hes gone and I dont have to worry about wether Im saying the right thing, or wether if I wear that hell think Im ugly, or if I dont hug him the right way hell get annoyed. Loving you is the best thing thats ever happened to me in the 2 years. And moving to port was the best thing my parents have done for me in forever. It made me see that I dont need everybody else to depend on, and my ex to lean on. Im actually starting to make alot more friends than I thought I would, And im gunna be getting involved in cheerleading and actually have a life other than the computer, which will still take up 3/4's of my time. And I found you. Even if I cant say Im with you, it still feels like I am. Not together like, but still like everytime we talk, It just feels right and things just roll out of my mouth like when i say your name. "Next time you eat pork chops, theyre going to go bahhhhh and youll be scarred for life" and "I want my shoes off. But Im too lazy and not skilled enough to do it without useing my hands." I say really stupid things.. Not because I want to act stupid, but because Im corny and I dont know what else to say to have you keep talking and to feel important that your talking to me. I love when you sign online, and you IM me out of no where.. It just makes me so happy. And I said that like 10 times already, the so happy thing. But it really does. People always say I look so sad.. Im not. I just dont want to show people I love you. Cause I know your too good for me. And Id just get laughed at. I might not have blue eyes, and I might not be tan, I might not have blnnde hair (even though thats my natural color) and I might not be a cheerleader,...yet, But it doesnt make me feel like im not soposed to love you. Cause I cant help it. One day I just woke up and your all I could think about and my head wouldnt stop hurting from thinking about you so much. And every other word was Tyler. And sometimes when I was talking about something the total oppisite of anything relating you, and I replaced words with your name. Everybody thought I was crazy, but Idk, Your just on my mind so much. I got hit in the head with a really hard binder by my friend cause your all i was talking about, and she got uberly pissed at me cause I wouldnt shut up. But I dont want to stop talking about you. I get so nervous when I was walking to the highschool when we were going cause I knew I should go up to you and talk to you, but most times, girls are by you, and its not that I get jealous. Thats not all. I just feel like Im not good enough and I have nothing compared to them. And in someways I dont at all. But I do have something that most girls that like you dont have. I have alot of feelings for you. And writing 4 pages in this thing isnt going to even come close to covering them all. Theres so many more things I could say, but I cant put how I feel into words. Im sure if I was trying to tell you how I felt in person, it wouldnt even come out right. Id stare at the ground, and be afraid to look into your eyes cause I dont want to look into yours and see how I mean nothing to you.. My face would turn bright red, and my hands would be flopping all over like I dont want to look dumb and have them at my side or cross them. .My feet would just sit there fiddling on the ground in my shoes, and Id stumble over my words and feel like a total retart. Im not afraid to talk to you. Im just afraid that it wont mean anything to you. And that you wont be able to notice how much you mean to me through the words Im 'trying' to say, or through the tone in my voice. Its just so hard to tell you this. Its like Im wasting my time. Ive already wasted an hour. But Ill do anything, just for you to smile and know that I do care. So smile. Cause you deserve it. You dont deserve to sit at home and wish that the person you loved, loved you too. Cause mandie loves you. With all her heart. And nothing you can do, will make me not love you.. You could curse me out, spit in my face, and tell me im a loser who should just go hang her self cause nobody wants me living in the world anyway. It wouldnt change how I felt. It would make me want you more. You dont deserve to cry or be sad and wish you were better, just for somebody else. Cause your perfect the way you are. And everything you say and do makes me love you more, and want you more, and need you more. You dont need to change for anybody. Your already perfect. There is alot of people who care about you. You just dont see it yet. You will one day. Give it a little while, and you'll forget all about me, and you wont talk to me anymore. You'll delete my sn from your buddy list, and you and your friends will see me in my junior year and laugh and trip me and Ill still love you, and you dont even know who I am. I know that won't happen. At least I try to think that wont happen. But there is alot of people who at least like you and care about you, and I know your going to end up getting hurt in life alot more then youve already been, and I wish I could just take that away from you so you didnt have to and I did.. But I cant. Alls I can do is sit here and hope that you dont forget me in a few months, and I mean nothing to you, even more than I already dont.
As soon as I get home from school, I just drop my bookbag and run to the computer to see if your on. And when your not, I just sit online until I see the little message pop up that your on. Yes, I am obsessed. But its because I love you. I really do. I dont know how many times I should tell you this, because I dont think as many times as I could, it would ever be enough for you to understand. Im not all stalker obsessed Im going to rape you kind. Im just obsessed I wish I had the nerve to talk to you, i love you kind of obsessed. I want to hang out with you so bad, and just talk to you, and be able to see you smile, but Im so nervous, and when we make plans, they never work and thats depressing. But were going to make plans, and they are going to work, and Im going to see you smile. More than just an internet smiley too. The truth is, I dont think Ive ever seen you smile. But im sure you look really cute when you smile. So you should ALOT more often. I remember in lunch, when you were in 8th, and how our tables were really close together. I always just sat there and stared at you until you noticed. And then i did too, and i think you knew i was... And I tryed to act like I wasnt. But I dont know how well it worked.. Actually, yeah I did see you smile once. In lunch last year. You were talking to somebody and you were smiling or laughing about something. But you should still smile more than that. Thats not enough. At all. Im sure if I got up the nerve to talk to you, I could at least make you do a half smile. Your just so..adorable, and hugable, and loveable, and I just want to hold you and never let go. And im being corny again.. But I cant help it. I love you. And I wish your ears heard the way I say that. And I wish your eyes would see the way Im always stareing straight into yours. And I wish your heart melted everytime you saw me, the way mine does with you. And I wish you felt the same way too. I wish that one day that you'll say: "Im in love with you....."
Just think of this and me
as just a few of many things
to lie around
to clutter up your shelves
And I wish you weren't worth the wait
because there's some thing's
I'd like to say to you...
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Cuz I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
I dare you to forget
those marks you left
across my neck
from those nights when we were both
found at our best
I could make this obvious,
and you, you could deny me
all in one breath
you could shrug me off
your shoulders...
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Cuz I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Hey, lush, have fun
It's the weekend
Hey, lush, have fun
Hey, lush, have fun
It's the weekend
Hey, lush, have fun
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Just forget me
it's that simple
Just forget me
it's that simple
-TBS (your own disaster)
I dont know what other words I could say to make you see and understand that Im on my knees, and Id do anything for you just to smile and know your happy. And I wish I could say Im that something that gave you a reason to smile..
But please dont forget me. Cross out that part, Mark it away, Dont take notice. Cause if you forget me, My heart would shatter. And Id feel more alone without you than I already am. Its raining. And just like the rain, my love for you is showering down all over. All over you. And I know your just going to shake it off and wipe it away. But could you once just let it sink in, and reach your heart so maybe you could feel that everything Im feeling is real..
I love you.
And not even a novel could express the way I feel about you.
"All of the stars are fading away, just try not to worry.
You'll see them someday.
Just stop crying your heart out."
I wish you saw them in me. And I wish you saw them someday soon. I wish I you'd never have to cry your heart out again.. I wish too many things..
*There are too many things I would like to say to you, but I dont know how..*
Until my lungs cant scream anymore, Ill scream these words to you. And hope that someday, somehow, somewhere.... You'll be screaming me them too.
I left out a few things, but thats it. Now Im going to go to sleep tonight, wishing hes dreaming of me, hoping hes thinking about me, or decideing to ask me out soon..
i hope.
Im staying in Port too. I made up my mind. I dont want to move back anymore. i just want to stay here, and start over. Forget Joe. And hopefully start something with Ty..
I love you.
|
But alls I was thinking was if the dam up in sparrowbush where Ty lives broke... Id be so frantic. All i was doing last night was making my mom listen on the radio about anything in sparrowbush and the dam.. Ahh. Theres so many new jersians up here "sight seeing". There not going to get much. Its so gay. All the roads are still blocked and blehbleh. My book reports due tomorrow, and I didnt even read a book. It would be done by now if the whole stupid "OMG THE RIVERS OVERFLOWING!!!!! WE HAVE TO EVACUATE" thing didnt happen.. I want to talk to Ty...